I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
