So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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