i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
