We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
