I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
You need a sexual gate keeper
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
