I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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