nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
