I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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