walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
