I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
