that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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