hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
