Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
