If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
