just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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