dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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