and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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