the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
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