You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
