i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
it's like heaven, but drunker
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
