i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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