The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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