When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
