someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
