Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
