I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Randomize
