i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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