I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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