Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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