in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
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