I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
