so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
