I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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