Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
as a side note pls kill me
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
