I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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