I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
So squirting runs in the family.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Randomize
