So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
It's never too late to be topless.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
