I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
