Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
