i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
