My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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