I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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