Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
How do i ask the guy i made out with for 4 hours if he is gay? He keeps telling me i'm so adorable and that he had a ''blasty''
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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