i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
