Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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