I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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