maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
