Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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