Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
