twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
