saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Randomize
