New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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