She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
