Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
