Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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