You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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