What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
