right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
