Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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